How to Stop Caring What Others Think, Without Becoming Cold

Why approval has so much pull

There is a reason this is hard. Human beings evolved in small groups where being accepted meant safety and being rejected could mean death. Social psychology has documented how strongly we respond to the judgments of others, from conformity experiments in which people denied what they could plainly see to go along with a group, to the ordinary sting of not being invited.

Knowing this does not make the pull disappear, but it helps. The anxiety you feel at a critical comment is not a sign that the comment is important. It is an ancient alarm system responding to a situation it was not designed for. In Stoic terms, it is a first movement, not yet a judgment. What matters is what you do next.

What the Stoics said

The Stoics returned to this subject constantly, because the Roman world, like ours, ran on reputation.

Epictetus places reputation squarely among the things not in our power, in the first chapter of the Enchiridion. In chapter 13 he goes further: if you want to make progress, be content to be thought foolish and stupid about external things. Do not wish to be thought to know anything. In chapter 23, he warns that if you ever turn outward to please someone, you have lost your purpose.

Marcus Aurelius, in Book 12 of the Meditations, in George Long’s translation: “I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.” He adds that if a god told any of us to think nothing without saying it aloud, we could not bear it for a single day. So much, he says, do we respect what our neighbors will think of us more than what we think of ourselves.

Seneca, in his letters, warns Lucilius about the crowd. In the seventh letter he writes that he never comes back from a crowd the same as he went: something he had settled is disturbed. Crowds, he says, infect us with their values.

Which opinions deserve weight

“Don’t care what anyone thinks” is bad advice. Some opinions are valuable: they contain information you lack, or come from people whose judgment is better than yours on a subject. The Stoic approach is not to ignore all opinion but to weigh it.

A useful test has three questions.

1. Do they know the facts? An opinion formed without knowing the situation is worth little, however strongly held.
2. Do they have the relevant judgment? An experienced colleague’s view on your work, a doctor’s view on your health, a close friend’s view on your relationship, are worth more than a stranger’s.
3. Do they wish you well? Criticism from someone who wants you to succeed is information. Criticism from someone who wants you to fail is mostly about them.

Opinions that pass all three tests deserve real attention. Opinions that pass none can be noted and released. Most fall somewhere in between, and deserve to be weighed, not obeyed.

Then there is the most important opinion of all, the one the Stoics thought we neglect: your own judgment of your conduct, measured against your own standards. If that is sound, other opinions lose much of their power.

Caring less is not being cold

There is a failure on the other side, and it is just as common. Some people, hurt by criticism, decide they do not care about anyone’s opinion, and become defensive, dismissive or harsh. That is not Stoic freedom. It is the same dependence, turned inside out.

The Stoics held that justice and kindness are part of virtue. Marcus Aurelius was constantly reminding himself to be patient with others and to correct them gently, or not at all. You can care deeply about people, listen to them, take their feelings into account and still not need their approval to feel settled in what you do. In fact, it is easier to be kind when you do not need anything back.

Practical exercises

Notice the audience

When you are deciding something, ask: who am I imagining watching this? Often there is an imagined audience, a parent, a former boss, a group of acquaintances, whose disapproval you are trying to avoid. Naming it reduces its grip.

Do one small unpopular thing

In the spirit of the Stoic exercises in voluntary discomfort, try a small dose of disapproval: wear something slightly unfashionable, ask a question you fear sounds stupid, say no to a request you would normally accept out of politeness. Notice that the consequences are usually smaller than the fear.

Write your own standard

Write down, in a few lines, what you consider good conduct in your work and your relationships. When a criticism stings, check your conduct against that standard first. If you met it, the criticism matters less. If you did not, learn from it, whoever said it.

Separate the claim from the sting

When criticized, write the claim in neutral words. Then ask if it is true. The sting is the first movement; the claim is what deserves thought. See how to stop reacting and start responding.

Limit the crowd

Seneca’s advice about crowds applies to the endless crowd of social media. Notice how you feel after scrolling. If it leaves you more anxious about how you appear, reduce it.

A last thought

The freedom the Stoics were after is not the freedom of not caring. It is the freedom of not being owned. Epictetus defined the free person as one who lives as he wishes and cannot be compelled. Someone who needs everyone’s approval can be compelled by anyone. Someone who knows what they value, and acts on it, cannot.